Udderly Awkward
by Tamala Miran
Summary: Suddenly, a question! One that has been bugging Eiji for almost twentyfour hours. One that, once disclosed to Fuji and Oishi, will change their young lives as they know it.


**A/N: This story was written by my friend Sahar. Neither she nor I own TeniPuri.**

**Udderly Awkward**

It was lunchtime at Seigaku. It was the one time that students could act freely—provided no rules were broken. Kikumaru Eiji and Fuji Syuusuke, better known as Seigaku's Dream Pair, were making their way up the staircase to the roof. As usual, they had agreed to meet their friend, Oishi Syuichiroh, for lunch. The three friends were only able to meet up after school, and even then they couldn't converse because of their strenu­ous tennis practice, headed by the stoic Tezuka Kunimitsu.

At least during lunch, they felt they had a sense of freedom.

At this lunch period in particular, Eiji's curiosity was overflowing, and he just had to ask his friends a ques­tion that had been troubling him. He'd discovered a new product while out shopping with his family over the weekend, and he hadn't had the time to thoroughly examine it. The primary cause for this lack of knowledge was his lack of being alone. With grandparents, parents, two brothers, and two sisters, "alone" was simply not in this boy's vocabulary.

And he didn't dare ask what it was over the phone. He thought his phone might be bugged, that someone might be listening in on the conversation on an extension. And what if the product turned out to be something really embarrassing? What then?

And if Fuji knew that it was on his mind? Forget it. Eiji's reputation would be shot, and he just would not be able to accept this fact.

Such were the exaggerated thoughts of the acrobatic member of the Golden Pair.

So, it being Monday, he got up and happily made his way to school—not to learn the academic subjects which he loathed with a passion (save Japanese History), but to learn about this new product—what it was, what it was made of, its purpose, ANYTHING! He figured Oishi might know. He felt his doubles partner knew a lot of things.

Fuji, sitting at his desk in class (as was usual), noticed the new glint of curiosity that was in his friend's eyes. "Saa, Eiji, you seem extremely happy today. Any reason for it?" he asked before class, walking to the windowsill where the older of the pair stood. "You're never this hyperactive on Mondays. Something happen that I should know about?"

But, unfortunately for Fuji's curious mind, the bell to signal the beginning of school rang, and the students of class 3-6 rushed to their seats as the teacher walked in, not wanting to be reprimanded so early in the morning, so early in the week. For Fuji and Eiji, that was what tennis practice was for—to be reprimanded and forced to run laps by Tezuka.

"Hoi hoi, at lunchtime, at lunchtime nya!" Eiji whispered excitedly. His interested mind helpless, all Fuji could do at the time was nod in agreement.

Now, seeing his friend bounce up the stone stairs to the dark door, he couldn't help but wonder just what Eiji was thinking about. Was it a new friend he had made? Perhaps he wouldn't be the baby of the family anymore? Had he found a new formation to practice with Oishi after school?

Fuji was curious, and it is well-known that a curious Fuji Syuusuke makes for a dangerous Fuji Syuusuke. Knowledge was what satisfied him in the long run, and even then, he was still dangerous—for knowledge was the key to unlocking the true Fuji Syuusuke—the leap year child armed with his own brand of sadism.

Bubbling with excitement, Eiji pushed open the dark door and took in some fresh air from the Japanese atmosphere. "Ah, we're FREEEEEEE NYA!" he declared as he stretched his arms and placed his hands behind his head, as he always did at lunch.

"Only for a little while, Eiji," Fuji reminded him.

"Fujiko, don't kill the moment! We're free, and that's all that—OISHI!!!"

Fuji laughed at his friend's short attention span and walked over to greet the third boy. He made sure to register in his mind that to Eiji, Oishi mattered much more than freedom.

The emerald-eyed boy, too, had been intrigued by Eiji's excessive hyperactivity. Sure, he knew Eiji to be extremely restless, but not this much. He smiled as the two came over to him. "Hi, Eiji. Hello, Fuji. I guess you guys have been working hard today, too?" The two boys nodded and took out their bento boxes as they overlooked the city. "I've been pretty busy, too, even though it's only Monday. What with tennis practice and all the other work I have to do as class president, it's really difficult. At least I get this time to spend with you guys. It's something I look forward to, you know," he said earnestly.

Eiji's eyes glittered as he heard his friend say this. It made him happy to know Oishi felt relaxed at lunch time, because that was what he, Kikumaru Eiji, set out in his life to do for his friends. (Okay, maybe that was a bit of an exaggeration on his part…but he definitely wants Oishi to be happy as much as possible, he swears!)

"Eiji? Was there something you wanted to tell us? You seemed really excited about something this morning. Care to elaborate?"

Eiji nodded happily as he swallowed part of his lunch. "Yeah, yeah! Definitely! I was gonna tell you this morning, Oishi, but we're in different classes. So there's no way I could've told you without faking a letter from my teacher or something to get to your class! And then, I'd get in trouble and I wouldn't be able to tell you at all because the teachers would never ever trust me with a note again! Plus, did you know that forgery is against the law, Oishi?! I could be put in jail, and I'd never in my whole entire life be able to tell you! And then I'd go crazy because of that, and then the police would have to move me to an asylum, and I'd end up being so insane that I'd forget what I wanted to tell you, and that would seriously send me over the edge because then I'd never know the answer to my question nya!"

He said all of this very quickly, very excitedly, and in less than five breaths—which was typical of him, of course, as was the blatant exaggeration.

It took a while for the spit-fire discourse to register in Oishi's brain before he said, "Ah, I…see…" while blinking several times in the extent of a minute.

"And I was gonna tell you, Fujiko, since I couldn't ask Oishi, but then sensei came in and I couldn't ask you because if I did, I'd get in trouble with sensei and probably have another detention. And then Tezuka would get mad at me for missing tennis practice and make me run a zillion laps!"

Again, this was said quickly and animatedly. Eiji's eyes shone while he was explaining himself, and he looked like he was about to tear out his vigilantly styled red hair.

"Ah...I understand," said Fuji, quickly deciphering this second part. For, as we all know, Fuji is not only a tensai, but one of Eiji's best friends. As such, the redhead's rapid-fire tongue should have been—and was—nothing more than a three-second obstacle. To him, Eiji's talking was the equivalent of someone who spoke English.

Eiji nodded vigorously, proud of what he had to say.

"So, what is it you wanted to ask us, Eiji?" asked Oishi as both he and Fuji took a bite of their respective lunches. "If we don't know, you could probably ask your teacher."

"What's udder cream?"

Both Fuji and Oishi clapped their hands to their mouths and made a bolt for their napkins. Once they had safely swallowed their food, they burst out into a fit that was a combination of both laughing and coughing. It didn't help that Fuji was eating spicy food either, for his eyes began to water as the spices found their way to the tensai's nasal cavity from his sudden bout of laughter.

"H-Honki ka, Eiji?" Oishi asked.

Eiji pouted and set his eyes on the oldest boy. "Maji na kono me o mite, Oishi!" he replied honestly. "Mite, mite, mite, Oishiii!"

Fuji was still in the midst of his laughter. "Ud...Udder cre—" He couldn't even finish his sentence. His hand trembled, his chopsticks falling into his bento box. He placed the box next to him as he took a few deep breaths in an effort to calm himself.

"It's this…stuff…" said Oishi.

"Okay, I could have told you that. Seriously! What is it?!"

Fuji had managed to bring his laughter to a lower level. "Udder cream? You mean to tell me that you were going to go crazy over not knowing what udder cream is?"

"…Yeah…"

"Why?"

"BECAUSE! It's cause I have too many brothers and sisters that I can't even take the time to find out what UDDER CREAM is!"

"Well…my uncle gave me a tube a while ago. He says it's pretty good for you," Oishi said as he pulled out a white tube with black splotches dotting the front.

"Yeah, yeah, this is the stuff nya!" Eiji said excitedly. "Cause I remember it was called 'Udderly S**moo**th!' All bolded like that."

Fuji paused before saying, "Do I want to know why you have that?"

Noticing the predicament he had gotten in, Oishi said, "Let's read the back!"

Eiji turned the tube around. "7, skinny bar, skinny car, skinny bar, fat bar, medium bar, fat bar, 3, skinny bar, 1, medium bar—"

"Eiji, I said read the back, not the bar code…"

Playfully, Eiji winked and let his eyes make their way to the tiny black print. "Hoi, let's see here! 'Developed for use on dairy cows…'" Eiji had only gotten so far before he burst out into childish giggles. "DAIRY COWS? Why would they put dairy cow cream in a store?!"

Fuji shook his head with a smile. "Is there anything else?"

"Uh huh! 'Udderly Smooth moisturizes, smooths roughness and softens skin. Directions for use: Apply liberally to dry and chapped skin. Warning: For external use only. Avoid contact with eyes.'"

"Say, Oishi? Do you think I could have that tube of cream?" Fuji asked, a glint of sadism in his facial expression. Oishi nodded, and the brunette slowly worked the tube from Eiji's fingers until it was in his possession.

"That's it?! It's just hand lotion!" Eiji said with a disappointed tone of voice.

"…In a nutshell, yes," Oishi responded.

Feeling slightly defeated, Eiji sat on the roof, finishing his lunch in silence with a fresh pout gracing his features. After the bell rang, the three parted for the rest of the day.

The remaining hours of the school day passed, and the Seigaku tennis regulars convened in the locker room. Tezuka announced that they would be planning to train somewhere out of school.

"Tezuka?" Fuji suddenly said.

"What is it, Fuji?"

"Perhaps we could train somewhere near a farm. I hear they're…utterly peaceful," the tensai said with a smile that was all too well-known to the others.

This statement was too much for the redhead. He immediately regretted paying attention to what Fuji had to say. "THAT'S IT! I GIVE UP!" he cried out subimssively, grabbing his racket and storming out of the small room.

All was still, save the fact that the resident first-year, better known as Echizen Ryoma, was idly bouncing a tennis ball on the side of his racket. "…What's with Eiji-senpai?" he finally asked after a minute of the perturbing silence.

"I haven't the slightest idea," Fuji replied calmly, directing his gaze to his bag and patting it affectionately with another smile.

This tube of udder cream was definitely going to come in handy.

**OWARI**


End file.
